Escape Route

JOUNIN LEVEL

I ask forgiveness for this bit of pure crack!
I wrote it for troublesome_jv, who suggested I write this prompt.  And no, it doesn't involve baby-sitting!

Prompt #2:   Before all else, be armed Machiavelli

"Iruka!" Kakashi said in the most outraged voice he could muster.  "What is this?"

An incomprehensible grunt was the only answer the jounin got from his partner, who was bent over a stack of homework scrolls, busy marking.

"Iruka - in the bathtub... what is that?"

"A carp."

"Yes, I can see that.  But what is it doing there?"

"I bought it for dinner.  And you'll be cooking it," the brunet said with maddening calm and drew a red pencil line all over the scroll in front of him.

"It's alive!"

"Of course it's alive.  Otherwise it would be in the fridge."

Kakashi gave up. He knew that he couldn't get any sense or cooperation out of Iruka when the chuunin was working. "When I agreed to make dinner, you didn't warn me that I had to catch it first," he grumbled and stomped back to the bathroom.

Fifteen minutes later the bathroom looked as if a pipe had burst. Kakashi was soaked to the skin but in proud possession of a slippery, glistening fish!  He moved towards the kitchen as fast as his wet socks allowed.  The carp tried to escape, but Kakashi triumphed and finally... finally... the flopping fish landed on the chopping board.

"Iruka!"

"Yes?!" 

Kakashi almost took cover at the tone, but he was hungry and he had promised to cook.  "How do you kill a carp?"

"You hit it."

"Hit it?  How?"

"Oh, for crying out loud!"  Iruka's patience snapped.  He jumped up, stormed into the kitchen and grabbed a rolling pin.  With one swift whack he dispatched the flopping fish, then turned and glared at Kakashi.

"Was that so difficult?"

"You had a weapon," the copy nin complained. 

"Call yourself a jounin," Iruka huffed and went back to his marking.  "What's the first lesson we teach at the academy?"